Jurassic World – My Review

hicks-pulse copy.jpgSaint Bill Hicks

I’m a bit long in the tooth to name this review “Jurassic Hurl.” Maybe Terry Gilliam has some crucial insights that you need to hear?

That’s better than any review. No?

More Terry:

“‘I think [Hollywood] has achieved everything they’ve always dreamed of. The audience now seems to be very dumb, I mean they’re watching the same film again and again,’ he said. ‘They pay money to watch the same film. Now, you could argue, that’s because it makes them feel comfortable. When they go to a movie now, it’s almost like hearing a pop song. You know the rhythms, you know when the downbeat is going to come, you know when the explosion is going to come… And so as life becomes more complex, as the economy is in trouble, people cling to what makes them comfortable, so they go again and again to see the same movie.'”

 

Way back when, I rode my bike past an awkward line standing outside in the parking lot of the Multiplex. I wondered what the hell they were waiting for, as Hunger Games was months away, Harry Potter was long gone, and my mind blanked.

Grown men responded: “Jurassic World.”

I rode on. That piece of shit. The first one was insulting enough. I mean: if you’re a kid, fine. Be a kid. But they don’t make $200mn movies for kids. Fact. They have to be what is known as “four quadrant” raking in everyone’s hard-earned cash.

So, as a member of whatever the hell “quadrant” they stick me in I can safely savage this pile of excrement guilt-free.

No. I paid nothing to watch the film; it was free in the park. I showed up on the off-chance that others in my Facebook circuitry might also show. They didn’t. Already TMI, but let’s get to it finally. Shall we?

How about no?

What if instead I create a parody edit of the entire Jurassic World movie where the dinosaurs are the protagonists and every one-dimensional Spielbergian cardboard asshole character is reduced to meat? They can all say absolutely nothing–silent film–of that putrid shmaltzy gibberish they attempted to pass off as drama, and be torn to shreds as human sacrifices to bad cinema?

Maybe this project can be salvaged yet? A little VFX and finally we all have something to savor.

The grand vision of the original Jurassic Park: Oh no, the pretty little white children are in danger! They just got away! And again! And again! And again! And dinosaur bs.

Let’s just say the director, Colin Trevorrow, was an astute student of that, whatever the fuck that was. Colin, for some reason beyond my capacity for imagining, produced a tepid romance/time travel gag of an indie film, and then he was handed this dinocrap gig plus the final Star Wars Episode IX to fuck up!

There was never any doubt that Star Wars would fizzle. Was there?

But, yeah, kids in pseudo-danger, all Goose Bumpsy, how fresh. How exciting. Eleven stars for Jurassic Shyte! Yay Hollywood. You’re so smart.

…Armageddon any day now. Make Amurrica Great A-(flash)

 


 

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